It is no secret that I have been dealing with disordered eating since the pre-teen era. It is also no secret that I have never had treatment for said disorder. I get a phone call today from the lady at the treatment center I've been in touch with lately telling me they would like for me to begin their program next Tuesday and suddenly I am all about not going and all the good reasons, really good reasons, I can not possibly go right now.
The truth is I am terrified of feeling that trapped, anxious feeling that goes with being somewhere I cannot readily leave on my own. At first I was to be in the day program and would have access to my car and could leave if I wanted to, not that I have ever left treatment before. But now, they want me to stabilize in residential. I get the reasons for it, but holy the freaking cow that is one scary, trapped feeling swelling up in me right now. I don't know. I just don't know. I don't want to even think about it. I don't want to think about feeling like this for the rest of my life, either. I am tired. Apologies for the quite unedited dumping.
That could be terrifying to feel such a loss of control. On the other hand what is the bright light at the end of the tunnel? What would happen if you focused on that? The new life, the positive change, the peace and serenity you may be searching for.
ReplyDeleteMaybe look at it as a simple time out, a time to regroup. How would you feel if you gave yourself a reward of something positive that you will have to look forward to if you enter and follow the program? Would that change anything?
It takes courage to make a change, but so often the mind chatter before the event is so much worse than the event itself. What of the wonderful possibilities that await you? Best of luck. I hope you find your answer.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. A dear friend is always reminding me that 90% of what we worry about never comes to pass, and the other 10% is seldom as bad as we anticipated it to be. That is a one of those lessons I frequently need to hear. And the mind chatter! Crazy-making, for sure. At least it is always changing!
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