Eating Disorders, Daughters, and Dimples

I have been in California with the oldest since Tuesday. The USMC has done an awesome job stationing my future son-in-law on both the Gulf of Mexico and the beaches near San Diego. It doesn't get much better. Being so far from home, however, reminds me how shaky my feelings of safety still are even after trauma treatment and the ongoing therapy. I was ready to head for home the first full day, but I am getting a little more comfortable. It may be that some of my comfort is motivated by the awareness that I am scheduled to enter treatment for my disordered eating/body image issues when I return home. I am both ready and terrified, but when I think about my daughters and their own body image issues, my mom and her issues, and the cycle, I cannot imagine not going.

Sometimes it seems as if am a professional treatment-goer, or would that be 'treatmenter'? Sex and love addition treatment, trauma treatment, iop trauma treatment, now eating disorder treatment. Honestly, though, before I even knew what sex was I knew my thinking and behaviors around food and my body were too intense to be healthy. I thought I would grow out of it. I did not. My feelings of self-worth are just as connected to my feelings about food and my body as they ever were, possibly even more so since the trauma work. Even though I have a lot of fear around this treatment, I am even more fearful of not addressing something that has been such an integral part of my world forfreakingever! It hurts hearing my girls voice the same kinds of concerns and messed-up thinking that has ruled a huge part of my life. And I thought I did such a good job of keeping the insanity to myself and not letting my thoughts spill over into their lives. Looking back, I realize it is impossible to hide something this big and this consuming. Food obsessions and body dysmorphia are huge serenity busters. I think 47 years of it is enough.

So I'll finish my California vacation and do my best not to let the body image stuff be a barrier to the beach and to enjoying time with my daughter. I will think about the message I am sending her and how actions speak louder than anything, and I will look forward to that day-post treatment-when my worth as a person does not have one thing to do with dimples on my butt and jiggling body parts-a very worthy goal indeed.