Eating Disorder Treatment-Needs, Fears, and Desires, Oh My

 On Monday, I am going to treatment for an eating disorder, a disorder that has been with me so long I do not know a version of me without it. "Eating disorder" is a broad term that covers a continuum of conditions like anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and emotional eating. There are others, but the one characteristic they all share is extreme attitudes, feelings, or beliefs around food and/or body image and weight. For me, it is a huge dose of body dysmorphia, a couple of scoops of diet pills, washed down with liters of food obsession and what I have been told are irrational beliefs about my body.Very much extreme, Very much qualify. So after changing my mind, packing and unpacking, doctor's visits and blood work mix-ups, I will leave Monday morning to embark on yet another trek in the recovery journey.  


I have fought this more than anything else I have done in recovery, EVER. Even the first treatment center for sex and love addiction in 2006 was easier for me to commit to than the eating disorder thing. It has been with me the longest, so I suppose that makes sense. I was a skilled disordered eater before I even knew about boys and sex and such. I have fought with my body and with food as far back as I can remember. And while I've done some work on it, it has never been the intensive, eating disorder focused treatment my therapist has been telling me for 8 years I need. So off I go, kicking and screaming, yet hoping this work will lead to the grounded and connected feeling that so eludes me almost every day. 


I am scared to do the work. I'm not scared of doing work, just scared of doing this work. I dread the anxiety and shame that comes with being away from home and away from the girls. again. I dread the little girl feelings of terror because my safe places are 500 miles away. I dread worrying about the money. But, truth is, what I dread most of all is a life forever filled with the obsessions and beliefs that mark my eating disorder. I am expecting a lot from this treatment because I need a lot from it. Fear or not, I will do the work. And when the 6 year old in my mind takes over, I plan to take the best care of her I ever have in our life. She needs to know she is worth it and so do I.