I have seen a therapist almost every week for the last 6 years of my life. Scattered in among those six years have been a few short 'in-house' stays, a 6 week stint in a treatment center for addiction, and most recently, 2 months in an incredible facility where I worked on nasty trauma issues. There's more but that's enough to show some degree of willingness to do some work. But lately, the worthy question comes up more and more. If I've been working on the chaos in my head for so long and still feel so pathetic, gross, useless, evil (you get the idea), what's the point in continuing to throw money hand over fist? I do have kids, after all. Kids who want and need a gajillion different things. I'm not even working right now, for God's sake. And whose fault is that? MINE. Not only am I not working, but I seem to have very little desire to find a job. I can't imagine being sane and grounded enough to work. It is too easy to forget that I taught school for 25 years, even though I was crazy as hell a lot of the time. These days it is no small thing when I make it to a once a week tutoring appointment.
I can't remember ever liking myself. I am starting to think all the therapy in the world isn't going to help much if I continue this self-loathing. Quite honestly, I do not know how to think of myself any other way. Some really awesome people have tried to help me, but so far I haven't been able to think too well of myself for more than a few minutes every now and again.
For someone so smart, I sure am slow.
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